With the rising cases of local transmission in Bacolod and the province of Negros Occidental and relatives of relatives dying of the corona virus, I have been living my life with constant fear and anxiety.
So many questions continue to fill my mind; "why did this have to happen, am I going to get it, will the people I love get it, what if they do, until when do we have to endure all of this?" are just some of them. Today, as I write this entry, I have never felt so down and unmotivated in my entire life, and it's pretty funny because this comes along with the preparations for our International Youth Day and Linggo ng Kabataan celebration which is slated for next week. Admittedly, I can get pretty distracted with the things I have to do, but whenever I have some alone time, I'm taken back to the COVID-19 situation of the country, and just like that, I find myself spiraling down again. As a person who has always been so generally positive about life, sometimes, I can't help but feel guilty for feeling like this way, like I should "walk the talk" that I share to the listeners of my podcast about having a sunny disposition in life, but then again, I am reminded every single day, that I am only human and that I have my off days as well. I'm not always in the mood to talk to other people, to smile, to laugh, nor to act as if everything is going to be okay because I know that it isn't. Whenever I go on social media, I am bombarded with how our government has been dealing with the pandemic, and I can't help but feel frustrated. There are so many things I want to say, but at this point, most especially with the Anti Terror Law on full blast, I have chosen to keep these thoughts to myself and to only share them to the people I trust the most. Kabudlay na nga daan subong. Basi mapriso ta bala alang-alang haw. I've been wanting to deactivate my Facebook and Twitter accounts for so long already, but can't seem to do so because I need them for work and for rant purposes, so yup, I have no other choice but to hold all of this in. But when I feel like I have nobody else to run to, when even the company of my loved ones and my coping mechanisms aren't working anymore, the person I think about most is the Lord and Mama Mary. I know I've never been the very religious type, but I can definitely say that this pandemic has made my faith stronger. I have been praying a lot more frequently now, releasing all of my negative thoughts and worries to God, hoping that He can ease them through guidance and protection every single day. I remember the homily of Father Reginald Malicdem of the Manila Cathedral last Sunday where he said that we should learn to see and feel the Lord in the ordinary things and blessings that we experience in our daily lives, like the way we wake up every single day, how our senses and faculties are still intact, and how we can still eat three times a day. Looking at it based on the situation I'm in right now, I have seen and felt the Lord in the sense that up until this very day, despite being out for work and chores, as well as interacting with other people, the virus has not affected myself nor all of my loved ones. Also, the Lord has granted healing to our relatives that had the virus and continues to do all these silent gestures of protection that I know nothing about. When I first thought about writing this entry, I didn't think I would end it on such a religious note, but I just wanted to say this. Whenever you're feeling tired or weary, always remember that you have God to talk to and pray to. You may think He's invisible and that He doesn't hear your prayers, but He does and will grant them in His perfect time. Even if it's so difficult to put our faith and trust in Him with all these bad things happening every single day, let's do just that because the Lord is all that we have. Honestly, observing all those safety protocols have shielded me from harm, but without the Lord, the worst could have happened already. Sure, I may be living with constant fear and anxiety and I guess that will never go away up until this pandemic is finally over, but the Lord will make things bearable and I'm glad I have Him, that we have Him.
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August 2021
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